1. “Season’s Greetings”
A lot of controversy has sprouted in recent years over the proper way to greet someone during the holidays. Should you say “Happy Holidays,” or “Merry Christmas?” Well, one option that is fairly neutral and most unlikely to offend anyone is “season’s greetings.” Try using that if you’re anxious about treading the waters of holiday catchphrases.
2. Festive Hold Music
Because if you have to put someone on hold, might as well let them rock around the Christmas tree in the process.
3. “Buddy the Elf, what’s your favorite color?”
This is, of course, always proper phone etiquette for the month of December. (Note: this one will work significantly better with millenials.)
4. “Ho! Ho! Ho!”
This one is tricky, just make sure you say it in a jolly old tone. Deep laugh, deep laugh, oh my goodness what is wrong with you!? Not that deep!
5. Happy Winter Solstice!
The winter solstice is December 21st. It’s the shortest day of the year, so use this greeting wisely, and for a limited time only!
6. What IS figgy pudding?
Seriously, does anyone know? These people won’t leave until they get some, and I can’t find it anywhere.
7. Fah Who Foraze, Fah Who Doraze
Also known as “Welcome Christmas,” as sung by all of the Whos in Whoville. Bonus points if you can combine this with number 1. This is also ideal if you already know the person you’re calling tends to be a Grinch (maybe your sales numbers can grow 3x as well).
8. Cider or Cocoa?
It’s a steaming hot (beverage) debate. Eggnog is also an acceptable reply.
9. Mele Kalikimaka
…is the thing to say on a bright, hawaiian Christmas day. Or any other day for a little tropical, festive twist. Just be careful you don’t confuse them into thinking they’ve won an island cruise.
10. A double dog dare
Be extremely careful with this one. There’s no taking it back, and you don’t want to end up stuck on the phone.
11. Hello, this is the ghost of Christmas future
…and turns out, you love our product! In order for this one to be effective, you have to be sure to use your spookiest ghost voice. If the joke doesn’t work, you can always try crippling guilt.
12. Have you seen my grandma?
She’d been drinking too much egg-nog, and we begged her not to go.
13. Someone PLEASE give those chipmunks a hula hoop!
And the plane that loops-de-loop! Please! I can’t take it anymore! Just make them stop!
14. Don’t eat the yellow snow.
Some common sense advice never hurt anyone.
15. PSA: snowmen do not have the power to wed you.
No matter how much they may look like Parson Brown. Let someone else do the job while they’re in town.
16. How is traffic?
I hear it’s terrific from the Atlantic to the Pacific!
17. Can I interest you in a partridge and a pear tree? Or some geese?
They’re the hottest gifts this season, perfect for your true love!
18. Merry Christmas, ya filthy animal.
Just make sure they get the reference. Otherwise, that’s just insulting.
19. Do you have any New Year’s Resolutions I could capitalize on?
Because the diet industry can’t have ALL the fun, right? Jokes aside, asking about new company priorities for the new year and how you can assist in meeting those can be a good way to get the ball rolling for January.